Previously on Boston Legal
- Who is this guy? - Melvin Palmer
State of Utah vs Denny Crane
I'll represent the hoot brothers
For once in your life, let me do the talking
Denny!
We were just, - Do you love him?
I think I do
This man makes partner, or I walk and take my name off the door with me
- Edwin Poole - Denny Crane
- Name on the door - Mine, too
- Crane - Poole and
Schmidt
Drop the bag, and I'll let you live!
Do it, bitch Don't make me cap you
Son, of all the places you could stick me ,you may have already stuck me,
I'd probably be the last to know
- Drop the bag - Turnip!
For God's sake, what the hell are you
- Shirley? - Edwin?
Put that down What is wrong with you?
I am so sorry, Shirley
Of all the people to mug I'll deal with him
This woman is a dear friend of mine, not to mention a partner
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am
Edwin, who is this adorable child?
He's my foster,give me that! He's my foster son
I am so sorry, Shirley God, what is wrong with you?
You adopted a son?
Yeah, it was either that or take up fly - fishing
Shame, Turnip Shame
Look how full your cart is
No wonder your bottom is so, - Turnip
- Full and plump - He gets cuter by the second
Isn't it the truth? Well, that's enough now Turnip Graves, Shirley Schmidt
Very nice to meet you, ma'am
A true pleasure, sir
Well, it's,it's nice to see you again
You look great, and, uh, I'll deal with him Come here, you
Why would you do that and embarrass me like that?
How was I supposed to know you'd know the lady?
I know you're not supposed to walk around parking lots
sticking people in the buttocks with a knife
What do you mean, you've got plans?
You said you were going out of town
- I said I might go out of town, but, - Didn't invite me, did you?
Because I never made official plans
Who are you spending Thanksgiving with?
A friend Uh, you wouldn't like him
Who?
- It's personal - Personal?
Well, you could come to I'll ask him
Who?
Technically, it would be
Melvin Palmer
- You must be joking - He's a good guy
You're spending Thanksgiving with Melvin Palmer?
He's a hoot
No, y - you're putting me on
Well, I had no place else to go, and he called and,
When did you become friends with that bobo - head?
When he saved our asses
- He did not save our asses - He saved our asses in Utah
Are you being serious?
He's a decent guy
No, he is not He's nothing of the sort
- Look, - And you're not having dinner with him
We'll find somewhere else to go
But you will not ,will not, be spending Thanksgiving with that vile,
- I like him - I don't care
No, forget it No
No Nope
Mugged?
You should've seen the size of the knife
- Are you okay? - No, I'm fine
I - I just can't believe it happened
Shirley, you have to tell the police
No, I don't want to do that
Shirley, it was an attempted armed robbery
Well, he's 9 years old, Carl
Oh, my God Now the homecoming is complete
Carl Sack, how are you, my friend?
Never liked you, but what the hey? I can be courteous
Shirl, hi, doll Sorry I'm late
I hit some traffic, not to mention a few pedestrians
Just mowed,�'em right, I can see I've lost you
Shirley, I don't know what to say other than I'm so sorry
Edwin, how long have you had that boy?
Six months I've enrolled him in finishing school, not to worry
What the hell is this?
You've sued me already?
- Did you read it? - Why would I?
It's marked ,�privileged and confidential ,�
Edwin, it was hand - delivered to you because you were meant to read it
Ah, well, that's different
What does it say?
It says the firm is going broke
Funny Love her She's just, The firm is going broke?
But that was two days ago Things have changed
How?
We are broke
When you say broke,
Crane, Poole & Schmidt is bankrupt We have no money Nada Zilch
We're busted
I'll call Congress They'll bail us out After all, we're rich
I know Hank Paulson Nutty guy
- Hey, that's mine - It's over, Edwin
We're done
I don't know what else to tell you, Edwin, other than,
You can tell me how it happened
We had investments in the market,
we had massive receivables from banking industries,
we had to take write - offs
You just beat the tobacco companies for millions of dollars
You think we'll ever see a penny from that?
After all the appeals, that victory's going to end up costing us
Edwin
we may have to shut our doors
Do people know?
Only a certain few at this point
So we're really done, then?
Canceled?
Carl may have overstated that
There are some possibilities I still have hope
I really thought I'd make it back
I was getting better and, uh
Listen, I bought a turkey
I'd love to have you over for thanksgiving on Thursday,
maybe talk about old times and, uh,
Edwin, thank you Um, I have plans
I'm hosting a little thing at my house
So I'll come to your house, then?
Edwin Poole?
Well, he kind of invited himself I,
We were supposed to have a quiet dinner
I know I'm sorry But,
And his little felon?
Well, he could be joining
Oh, Shirley
I know I wanted a quiet evening, too But somehow,
he had no place to go Wh - what was I going to say?
Uh, ,no,� comes to mind How about no,�?
Carl
A nice quiet Thanksgiving dinner, just the two of us,
that's how you billed it
And how I wanted it,
Shirley, I've got the research on the McClean,
I thought you'd gone to London
Oh, yes, I was planning to, but the
airline screwed up with the tickets It's a long story
So suffice to say, I'll be staying put
Oh, well, that's too bad
I'm having a few people over Why don't you come to my house?
Oh, I wouldn't want to put you out
It wouldn't be any trouble
Oh, well, sure I'd quite love that
- Great 1:00, then - Splendid
Oh, w - would it be possible for me to bring Jerry?
I sort of ,when I thought that I didn't have plans,
Jerry would be more than welcome
Thank you I'll go tell him
Sorry
The idea of spending a day alone with me,
you just can't bear it, can you?
Oh, you know that's not true
Can't we just look at this as a,
gathering of a big dysfunctional family?
Can we do that?
- What about us? - We can be dysfunctional
- There - Thank you
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm,I'm fine I
just tend to get a little stressed when I host parties
Do you not remember?
But this is just a dinner
It is a Thanksgiving dinner, and let's face it, with this particular group,
the possibilities for catastrophe, - What?
Oh, hey, what We're off to a good start Come on
Surprise
Hey, Turnip beat you to it
What were you doing, staring in my window?
Is this how it's gonna be, dump - on - Turnip day?
Ah, Turnip, hi I'm Mr Sack I've heard a lot about you
Hands on the wall - Oh, come on
Now, now, don't worry I do this to everybody
Yeah, try not to enjoy yourself, pops
- Oh, come on - Hello Welcome Hello
Mr Poole
Thank you, Carl
- Oh, what a beautiful home - Oh, thank you very much
- Is it all paid for? - Turnip
- Not a bad question, actually considering,
Edwin
Here, give me your coats
Here Let me take those
Hey, are we late?
- No, you're just perfectly on time - Happy Thanksgiving
Thank you so much, Alan
Oh, Edwin When did they let you out?
They didn't
- well, shall we, go to the table? - Already?
What happened, - We just got here
To small talk and mingling and picking at the turkey when nobody's looking?
Just be quiet, Turnip
I don't think I can get through this
You will get through this
Time - out
The,the food is hot, and, um, the table is set, so,
Thank God for GPS
That's the first thing I'm gonna be thankful for
- Hey, how you doing, Jerry? - You invited him?
Looks like you've eaten already
You must be Shirley Schmidt I googled you, good, that's what I did
You need to update your headshot
Who's the little guy? - Edwin Poole
Melvin Palmer How are we doing, sport?
Don't touch me
Hey, I didn't get my hug yet, that's what I didn't get
I'll start with you, Al, you big hoot Come here! Oh, man!
This is like old home week, that's what this is like
Get in here, Denny
Thanks, Denny
All right, now look, it's probably a good thing, whoever that person is
Why is it a good thing?
He seems like a bit of an ice breaker
Ice breaker? The man could've saved the ,�Titanic ,�
Who the hell is that guy?
Listen, you said you like a little noise and chaos
Seems he'll be able to contribute to that
Oh, this is gonna be such a disaster
It's not going to be a disaster
All right, look, I'm gonna go out there, I'll get everybody,
I'll get them to the table you take a second to collect yourself,
then come in, all right?
It's gonna be great It's gonna be a splendid day
- Okay - Good idea Let's drink
Uh, D - Denny, I just wanted to say how nice it is to have all of you here
The food looks positively delicious
I don't know where to start
Well, you can start with a moment of silence, Melvin, or maybe an hour
Double hoot, that's what you are
- I'm a double hoot now - Perhaps we should pray
- Yeah, maybe for peace - Or start with grace
- Any volunteers, or shall I, - I'll say grace
Okay
- Dear God, - No, no, no,
- Maybe we should skip grace - You don't even believe in God How
- I do, too - A Christian God?
- Does it matter? - Well, it does to me
I'm not gonna let you pray to a Muslim God, not while I,
Why does he have to be either Christian or Muslim?
He could be Texan, that's what he could be
Well, I - I - if he chooses good over evil, he's Christian
Why couldn't he be Jewish?
Are you nuts?
I am not giving thanks to a Jewish God, a Muslim God
Hindu maybe, 'cause they love sheep
- Jew hater - What?
- Edwin, Edwin, - Jew hater
Enough, enough Let's skip grace and let's eat
And if it's not too much trouble,
I'd like to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner with no fights
Can we do that, please?
I'm positively famished
Thank you
So, Turnip, tell me, what do little black kids like to eat?
- Oh, for God's sake, Denny - What do black kids like to eat?
Well, I want to know
- Well, how about, ,hey, Turnip, what� - Koreans like korean food Greeks like
Feisty bunch
- Racist? - Yes, racist This is a holiday
Please, let's not extend
the systemic racism of the firm to the dining room table
What systemic racism of the firm?
Oh, come on, Shirley
No, I'd like to hear this
Well, look around the table or the office
You see any black attorneys?
- It doesn't mean we're racist - Right
Did you ever think for one second
that maybe black attorneys don't want to work with us,
maybe they want to be with their own?
Denny, don't help me, please
- Could you please pass the, - No!
We just had a black man elected president, and you still think,
- Oh, please - What, ,�oh, please,�?
- Never mind - No, say it
I - I want to hear this, Alan
- I - I don't - Neither do I
I do Say it, Alan I want to hear what you have to say
What, you really think we've turned the corner?
Of a hundred senators, one is black, one, and that's Barack Obama
Come January, there'll be none
Of 50 governors, 2 are black, and one of those is in New York, uh,
by default because Eliot Spitzer got caught with his hooker
This country hardly seems willing to elect black leaders on a regular basis
But the people of this firm are
They voted overwhelmingly for Obama
How do you know what the hell went on in the privacy
- of all those voting booths? - Get out of this house
I haven't even eaten yet
I don't care
- He will not say things like that, - What did I say?
Maybe since Barack Obama w - was just elected,
we could celebrate the progress that blacks
- Celebrate? - have made in this country instead of
In America, black people are incarcerated
at almost six times the rate of white people
Turnip here seems already to be well on his way,
Blacks have double the unemployment rate
of whites and have for over 40 years
Whether it's that or the government's underwhelming response to AIDS
among blacks or racial profiling,
the black community continues to get screwed
Let's not even discuss,
funding for public schools in black neighborhoods
or our supreme court eviscerating Brown vs Board of Education
We've got that, uh, republican congressman
uh, Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia,
who referred to Obama as , uppity,� not once, twice, ,uppity
E - even Obama's own running mate, during the primary, Biden,
praised Obama as being ,�clean,� and ,�articulate ,� What was that?
We can give thanks for a lot of things here today,
but the defeat of racism in America is not one of them,
especially at liberal, white - collar law firms like Crane, Poole & Schmidt
Look around the table
Bet you don't get invited to a lot of dinner parties
I just wanted to have a - a nice Thanksgiving dinner,
but you, you couldn't let that happen, could you?
You just had to screw it up
Wait, wait, wait Let's, Come on Let's change the subject
Can somebody think of, uh, something more pleasant to talk about?
I was thinking of taking a dump
Where's the nearest bathroom?
Through there
Don't take anything else
I love the holidays, that's what I love
You know, if I could just say
that I'm sorry
I realize I get worked up, and I do apologize
I certainly didn't mean to ruin anyone's dinner
You didn't ruin mine, good buddy
Oh, goody
Edwin, tell us, what's new with you?
Well, economic armageddon, for one thing
- The firm is, - Edwin
That,that's our secret
- What secret? - Nothing
Sounds very good Did it not sound good?
- Just let it drop, Alan - I love secrets
We used to play this little game, I'll show you mine, you show me yours,
old and fat people excluded, of course
Denny, you'd be on the bubble there
Are you trying to be offensive?
That was aggressive
What the hell is that?
- Edwin, - He's a popper
That's what he is Get him to purr, big guy
Hey, Mel, keep acting like A turkey,
you're gonna get stuffed and carved, hot stuff
Thank you all very much
What'd we do?
Just trying to make conversation
Oh, by the way, where's the little black kid? He can't still be crapping
Excuse me You're gonna have to stop that It's annoying
- Leave him alone, please - Stop it
One day, we'll look back and laugh
How about we just try to make the best of it?
With that group?
I'm so sorry in invited them
It was such a bad idea
What was I thinking?
What were you thinking?
I mean, you had to know at some level this is exactly how it would go
You just roll with everything, don't you?
Yeah, I was hoping to roll with you until you invited all the children
- What the hell is this? - Uh, Denny
Shirley and Carl are kissing
Oh, Denny Cou you give us,
- How could you? - How could I what?
Kissing him You're cheating
- Denny - Cheating?
We missed it Kiss again
- Oh, get out - Damn it
No, Denny got to see
Am I the only who hasn't sucked face with her?
How about Jerry here? Have you gotten down with the mascot?
Jerry! Jerry! What is wrong with you?
- Jerry, calm down Calm down - You big freak
Look, could you,could you all please just go home?
No, wait You know what? No, damn it This nonsense is gonna stop right now
Go back to the table Go ahead Go
We're all going back to the table right now
Come on, we are gonna sit down
and we're going to be nice to each other, and we're going to give thanks
That was not acceptable at all, Jerry
Did you hear what he s,
I heard what he said, and it was offensive,
but that doesn't mean you resort to violence
The incident in the cafee was bad enough
For God's sake, Jerry, you're a partner in a law firm
You're an adult - Oh, shut up
I'm sorry
What's going on with you?
I just thought
it would all go away when
You thought what would go away?
The ridicule
When I made partner, I thought, and I thought I would feel
once I was accepted by others, the esteem, but it's no better
I feel no differently about myself
That word that he used, what he called me,
- Mascot - That's what I am
That's not true
Katie treats me like a chia pet
She all but pats me on the head and gives me a cookie when I'm g,
How dare you say such a thing
- Katie, this is a private, - No, it isn't
That was an indictment of me, my friendship with you,
which I assumed to be extraordinarily meaningful,
and I'm offended by it
You may seek to trivialize yourself, Jerry
I will not allow you to belittle me and my feelings in the process
Katie, if I get one more maternal lecture from you...
I am gonna throw up twice
not once, but twice It would take two full heavings to get all the puke out
You can go to hell, Jerry
It's one thing to do it, but to rub my nose in it
Denny, we were not rubbing your nose in it
Yes, you were Was that the big plan?
Get everybody here under the pretext of my birthday and humiliate me?
'Cause if that was the goal
Denny, we're here for Thanksgiving, not your birthday
Well, you know what I mean Gathering people up and,
Pops and the old lady are doing it?
Denny, you and I are not a couple
We have not been a couple for over 25 years
A - and you and Carl are? Are you back together?
Yes
Excuse me a second
Denny, did you really think it was your birthday?
What difference does
Denny, look at me
Did you think we were assembled here to celebrate your birthday,
which is in January?
Oh, my God
I I get a little, uh, confused
w - when I get agitated
Has this happened often?
No But it's happened
And it's usually when you get upset?
Okay So we go in for another test, see,
I don't want another test
There's nothing they can tell me that I don't know
There's no cure
Okay, look, here's what I know, I've known you six years, and
during that time, there's been very little progression, if any
You're 75 now Like the doctor said
you probably won't live long enough for the Alz,
mad cow to get you
It's already getting me, Alan
No, it isn't, Denny
People get confused sometimes - I am slipping, Alan
You know it
I know it
I know you belong to somebody else
but tonight you belong to me
although we're apart you're part of my heart
I'm sorry
I never meant to trivialize either our relationship or feelings
Well, you did just that, didn't you?
Look, toots, how about you let me finish a sentence?
That too much work for you or
I really can't be that objective about either,
- our friendship or your feelings or... - Why?
Because I love ya, all right? Have I been too subtle?
I gotta rent a billboard? Get a lousy plane to fly overhead, pulling,
I love you
I realize that imposes no obligation on your part to love me back
And as consolation prizes go
I can think of nothing more extraordinary than your friendship
You need to know
that you are
the most incredible
generous, charitable
beautiful woman I have ever met
And I'm in love with you
♫ My honey, I know with the dawn ♫
♫ that you will be gone ♫
♫ but tonight you belong to me ♫
♫ just to little old me ♫
- Good - Say, uh, attention please
We're gonna make one last ill - fated attempt at having dinner
Your presence is requested in the dining room
These people like to play with fire
Tell me about it
I ain't goin',�back in there
Smart kid
I have a question, Edwin
I can't help but think, uh, you're a bit of a mental, right?
I am Carrots, please
Why would social services ever put a - a child in your care?
What's wrong with me other than being mentally unbalanced?
This is a country that regulates everything
except Wall Street and the rich, who we let run amok
but everything else
Parenting, that's the hardest job anywhere
What's your point?
How can we pass out children to nut jobs, especially little black children,
who typically are at risk and need the best parenting?
What?
Do you know, Denny,
that the fastest growing segment of homeless in this country is children?
What's that got to do with anything?
It's got to do with these kids need homes
You know, I'm,I'm not sure I like where this is heading
Maybe we could change the subject
We're all out of subjects
Well, maybe we could talk about bankruptcy That might pick up,
Oh, damn it
There's nothing wrong with bankruptcy,Shirley
It's the in thing to be these days
Oh, good, you're gonna make fun of poverty now
Hey, how about all those poor schmucks losing their homes?
I bet that's fun - I'm not making fun of those schmucks
It's the schmucks in suits that I'm making fun of
Do we have to fight?
Can we just eat and make small talk and pretend we like each other?
Hell, we do like each other Why these guys,
Will you shut up?
That was aggressive
I'm sorry I just
It was my fault I should never
The truth is, Carl, I
I'm sorry
I guess I wanted a big, noisy dinner because sometimes
when the din is loud, I can...
hear him
Hear who?
My father
This is my first Thanksgiving without him, ever, and
I apologize, but, uh, it's hard to face the quiet, and I
I guess I can find comfort in tumult
Well, once again, thank you all very much
She said she liked the tumult
And why are you making it all about you?
This was supposed to be a quiet dinner between Shirley and me
Well, that certainly would've been dull Can you imagine?
I wonder what you might have talked about
Probably about how the firm is going broke
The firm is going broke?
Did I know this and forget? Did I?
No, Denny You didn't know
Well, what's happened?
There he goes, making it all about him again
Oh, will you shut up?
No, Carl It affects us, too
What's going on?
The firm is broke
We're exploring a number of ways to get an influx of capital
We believe we can, - How could this happen?
How? We got hammered, Denny, just like everybody else
My name is on the door!
Why wasn't I told, damn it?
They knew you'd be upset
Next thing, you'd be running around telling everybody it was your birthday
Gun!
- I've been hit! - Denny, for God's sake
That's all I hear Denny, for God's sake
Denny, for God's sake�
Why doesn't anybody tell me the truth?
I am telling you the truth
The half - truth
Ah, I'm losing blood
It was just a paintball, dawg
- No, I'm telling you exactly, - What about you and Shirley?
What about it?
How serious are you? I want to know
Actually, we sort of all do
Okay
Now you know before even Shirley
My plan, after our intimate little dinner together, alone,
without any of you, was to ask her to marry me
Can you believe it?
As partner, I'm on the hook for the firm's debts
I could be losing money
Jerry, I'm not quite sure how to respond to your little revelation
You don't need to It's my problem, not yours
It's my problem if it affects our friendship
I remain committed to the friendship I won't let this,
Easier said than done
Perhaps we should seek out some sort of couples' therapy
We're not a couple, remember?
Well, yes, we are
Perhaps not one romantically linked, but one just the same,
quite an extraordinary couple with a fairly complicated problem
I think you should still ask her
The moment has slightly passed
No, it hasn't
If it's meant to be, Carl, it's the perfect moment
You obviously love her
You must feel confident that Shirley loves you
Don't let all of us and our
foolishness get in your way
Personally, I'm a little discouraged about what it
means for my own conjugal prospects with her, but
clearly she needs cheering up, Carl
Her father is dead, and the ice cream's melted
It was wrong of me to pull this ring out in front of Denny
What ring?
Just kidding
Ask her to marry you, Carl
I want her to be happy, really
We all do
Shirley deserves a good man You're a good man, Carl
I know that even if I don't much like you
Why is everybody in here?
Oh, you know what? Could everybody just clear out? I'd like a little privacy
What's wrong with having it with us?
What's going on? Why is everybody in here?
- Carl has news - No, he doesn't
What news?
Oh, this is not how I planned it
Planned what? Will somebody tell me what is going on?
Shirley, I
No, never mind We'll discuss it later
No, we won't We'll discuss it right now
Hell, where I come from, we grab the bull by the horns,
that's what we do
No, no, no, no Here I'll do it I'll do it
Shirley
will you marry - Carl?
He loves you
He wants to spend the rest of his life with you
Carl, i - is this for real?
Uh, except the execution
I didn't mean for Denny to do my bidding
Yeah, I'm Cyrano de Bushwhack
Shirley, I have never loved a woman like I
As of this morning, our relationship was a secret
Secret's out, toots Just
Denny
Please, Shirley
will you marry me?
I'll give you away
I have had
six marriage proposals,
but this is by far the most bizarre
- We're a bizarre group - Yeah
Do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me
I would love to marry you, Carl
Really?
- May I kiss, - Denny
I - I would like to kiss Carl, so
Um, is the day rescued?
Consider it saved
All right, contrary to vicious rumors, the ice cream is not all melted
Jerry, one scoop or two?
Just one, thank you
There you are
Katie, this your slice
Thank you
I am a 2- scoop kind of guy, if you don't mind
Really? And I've always thought you were a scoop short
- Say it for me, Jerry - Hoot
So everybody have a slice now?
- Yes - Thank you
- May I just say, - No!
Well, I'm gonna say it just the same
I grew up in a very estranged
unhappy house
Most Thanksgivings, my mother spent serving dinner at other people's homes,
and my father would spend it
I spent many a Thanksgiving in my room,
imagining what big family dinners were like and,
Alan, is this gonna be like a closing?
And as I imagined it
it was almost exactly like this
A whole bunch of people actually talking
right there in each other's faces,
laughing one second and angry the next and
Look what we've covered toy,
race, politics
God, marriage, love, death
What fun
Thank you for having us, Shirley
This is some family
- Thank God for the pie - Thank God for the pie
Everybody put something in their mouth so we can't talk anymore
Denny, are you really okay with them getting married?
I don't know
I will be
I harbored this fantasy that we'd
Imagine my loss It could be the love I never knew
I'll tell it to you
Unless I forget
How often have you been
getting confused like that?
Well, n - not, uh, not too
God, if I go the way Shirley's father did,
You won't
- How do you know that? - Because I'll shoot you
- You wouldn't actually, - I've already bought the gun
You promise?
Denny, you have defied the odds your entire life
You'll continue to defy the odds
You're probably gonna out live us all We'll all be dead and buried,
and you'll still be out there, doing Priceline commercials
All the topics we covered today, we left out
the afterlife
Think there is one?
Oh, I don't
Think we'll be together somewhere else, on a,on a,
on a bigger balcony, together again?
I do
Will we be naked?
I ask because I wonder, are there clothes in heaven?
And are we as we were when we were young
or are we as we were when we died?
Is that important?
Well, it is to me
I don't want to go through the rest of eternity with the, uh, mad cow
I think you are in heaven
as you were in the best of times here on earth
- Like right now? - Like right now
Thanks